11 ways to arbitrage the dating market

Part 6. Follows the “sparks are overrated” argument: if not romance, what should you seek? Dating as arbitrage — exploit markets where your value is higher and traits others under-price. Examples: a “mid” woman is a catch in the male-heavy British EA scene; White-Male/Asian-Female pairings exploit mismatched beauty standards and tolerances.

The 11 tactics

1. Avoid sexual dominance. Male and female sexualities aren’t perfect complements; men who genuinely enjoy “erotic violence” are, in her anecdotes, disproportionately unkind (shout at juniors, cheat, abuse). Violence in bed correlates with violence in general. Seek a man who’s competent and willing, not one who craves it.
2. Think of the children. Select for traits you want in kids (healthy, confident, curious, driven), which sometimes differ from what you want in a partner. Another reason to avoid dominance — you may want a kinky husband but vanilla children.
3. Looks: sell looks, buy character. Chasing handsome men reflects poor time preference (you’ll spend ~half the marriage elderly). When you do buy looks, buy health-linked ones (weight, skin, symmetry), not mere good fortune.
4. Height → really “size.” Women want to feel petite; broad-shouldered short men achieve the same effect, and apps can’t filter for shoulder width. Arbitrage the under-priced broad short man.
5. Age. Women’s preference for older men is stronger than men’s for youth — so date younger than you’re inclined to.
6. Money. Young people overrate status and underrate money. Date men who earn well doing something boring or “a bit evil” (insurance, oil, finance, logistics), not high-status arts jobs. Better still, marry a future-rich man (PhD student, law school, grad scheme, early startup); a smart, hardworking unambitious man can be turned into a high earner.
7. Hobbies. Shared hobbies are overrated and mostly gendered. If you have an interest men love (e.g. war), lean in; otherwise don’t worry about sharing niche feminine hobbies. Get good at explaining things — info-dumping is delightful “from people you love.”
8. Politics / values — most overrated. Shared ideology is an unstable foundation because your views (and your partner’s) will change; she went woke communist → libertarian → market-oriented centrist. Better to build on mutual esteem and defer to each other’s expertise. Caveats/dealbreakers: don’t date someone who thinks you’re stupid or evil; some belief differences are structural (e.g. stay-at-home motherhood); avoid partners with a “trump card” (e.g. religious mandates) that supersedes all your values.
9. Good husbands aren’t always good boyfriends. Lavish-date spenders make spendthrift husbands; over-accommodating people may expect you to accommodate once married; obsessive tidiness/gym/fashion habits become your problem. A man’s dating behaviour shows how he treats strangers, not necessarily a wife.
10. The apps. People who avoid apps are hard to meet, so their “price” doesn’t reflect market value — buy the “appless man” at a discount. Look for good men with bad profiles (too squeamish to ask friends for help).
11. Date your friends. Dating easily filters people out for shallow reasons; it’s hard to discover a heart of gold. With long-known friends you already know their character — some weird, low-status friends would make “damn good husbands.”

Overall framing

• Aim for a relationship where both value each other far above any likely replacement — someone who values what’s special about you and feels lucky.
• Chief method: cultivate healthy thought patterns and use the halo effect to your advantage.
• Second: learn to sell yourself. Identify your under-supplied traits (hers: emotional control and lack of neediness) and lean into them — ambition, niche knowledge, organisation, cooking, etc.